Making Things

I was always jealous of kids who were doing things, making things when I was growing up. I wanted to be making things, but making things was hard, and I would maybe, if I was lucky, start a project, even if I'd rarely finish it. I was reminiscing with my dad recently about two different car models that I received as birthday presents that took me years to complete (and actually, now that I think of it, one of them I got close, but I don't think I actually finished it).

I used to feel that this lack of executive function was a moral failing on my part, that if I had stronger or better character, I wouldn't be so lazy, and I'd actually do something. Doing things is hard, but people with character do hard things. I would get frustrated and stop working on something, and therefore I was lacking in character. And let's not even get started on the lack of character of not starting something because it's too hard.

But I had these things that I wanted to do. I was interested in audio and video. I wanted to record things, make videos, make something, a story, a movie, a recording. For a lot it, I had the desire, but don't know how or where to start. Again, though, I felt like if I really wanted it, I'd find the way. I'd teach myself, I'd find the resources, and I would get something done.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to grips with the fact that my lack of executive function is not really a lack of character on my part, but a tubes and wires thing with my brain. I’ve spent a lot of time and energy building supports and scaffolding to help me get things done. When I stick with it, things work, and things get done. When I don’t, then things start to slide.

And as I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten things done. I’ve made videos. I’ve recorded music (not mine, but someone else’s), and got into sound design. I wrote a novel. I decided that I wanted to work with computers, and went back to school to get the training I’d need to get a job that I’d like. I still get frustrated with myself when I want to do something and I don’t, but I’ve come to realize that a lot of times, things are hard for me because I don’t plan for them properly. I’ll have something I want to do, and there will be a great grey space between me and the goal, and I’ll have no idea how to cross it. That’s what I’ve been learning and teaching myself, is how to build a path to reach that goal.

It makes me sad to think about all of the time that I wasted feeling bad about myself for not having the inner strength to do what I wanted. I got there, eventually. I was just a kid then, but a kid can beat themselves up as well as a grown-up can. By the time that you’re a grown-up, it’s really just become a habit. And it’s interesting how one thing leads to another. My feeling down on myself gradually led to a lot of depressions. As I started to create a system where I could get things done, the depressions gradually went away.

I live in Omnifocus, and I rely on my calendar. These tools are giving me the executive function I need, almost just to survive, but certainly to get things done. Before I started doing this, I drifted, a lot. Now I can keep up with things, and when things start to slip, I know how to to get back on track.