A Hundred Gotchas

Made it to the vacation. It was incredibly stressful to get here, and I left a bunch of loose ends at work that will probably bite me in the butt when I get back, but I just couldn’t anymore, you know?

This isn’t the first time that I’ve had where I was both indispensable and the only one who knew what exactly I did. Probably won’t be the last. Maybe it’s some sort of autistic trait; maybe I should ask around on the boards and see if others have had the same experience. Maybe it’s a combination of being able to solve complex problems and being willing to do dull grunt work to get things done. However it happens, it seems to happen to me a lot at work.

Everyone on the team was s supposed to have a back up, and I did. I spent the last year training them and working with them daily. So that they could back me up. But then they had to go on sabbatical because of issues with their visa, and suddenly I was scrambling to train two people how to do what I do.

I hate training. Always have. I’m uncomfortable speaking; I feel unsure of myself, of the words that I choose to say. I can’t just let a thought arise in my head and immediately breathe life into it by speaking, because there’s a good chance that what is going to come out won’t make any sense. And then I’ll be scrambling to explain myself.

Not to mention the fact that conversations are hard anyway. Trying to read the other person, trying to both listen and contribute; it’s really hard. And training is worse, because it’s teaching, meaning the conversation is one-sided, and all the weight is on my shoulders.

And then there’s trying to translate what I do into words that will instruct you. How much do you need to know? How much do you want to know? How do I explain this? How do I put something into words that is so routine that I don’t even really think about what I’m doing when I’m doing it? Or better yet, how do I explain something that is actually simple, but is subject to a hundred “gotchas”, a hundred little things that you have to compensate for in some way because it’s a problem that hasn’t really been solved, just worked around.

July was full of stress and sadness. I’m glad it’s in the rear-view mirror. And I need this break. We scheduled days on either end to prepare and to unpack, and it’s such a relief to have that basically be the only thing on my mind today.